Supporting info (4) – more on Constancy
I describe Constancy as watching yourself. You are not actually looking at yourself with your eyes but rather extending your awareness of what is happening “inside” you. This involves watching thoughts, feelings, memories, dreams and all the combinations they can appear in. It is not just a case of experiencing an emotion or thought, when we practice Constancy, we observe the experience of the emotion or thought as well. We have the feeling but also watch ourselves ‘having the feeling.’ When thoughts appear we observe ourselves thinking and pondering. The emphasis is on adding a little extra awareness.
What exactly is meant when we say, add “a little extra awareness”? If you are having some thoughts and if you then watch them as well, is this more thinking, is this a thought being used to watch other thoughts? If you are experiencing some emotions and practising Constancy, is it thoughts being used to watch feelings? What is it, that “watches? If the answer is “me”, and if that answer is sufficient, then you do not need Constancy. For many of us this answer will not do; this “me” label, means less and less as time goes by.
If you are solving a problem, or doing something that requires careful and sustained concentration, do it as you would normally, just add a little extra awareness to it. Watching yourself think. Watching yourself remember. Watching yourself have feelings. Watching carefully all that is happening inside. The more you look for the “watcher”, the person doing the self-exploration, the harder that person is to find. You can find many thoughts, feelings and memories but the inner person experiencing those things is strangely elusive. If you find that you are the sum total of your thoughts and feelings, then you probably will not need Constancy. If you feel yourself to be more than a collection of thoughts and more than a label, then Constancy is an effective technique you can apply. The watcher, the real you, does not just appear on demand, the watcher becomes apparent as a result of continuos observation over time. Watching over time releases some of our deeper feelings and these will eventually reveal the person watching.
It is not so difficult to watch thoughts and feelings when sitting quietly, relaxing but very difficult if we are fully involved in some activity. How is it possible to hold this kind of awareness, and do other things? It is best to start with simple activities like housework, watching TV, sitting on a bus. Then, build up to more difficult things, like watching whilst talking to others, driving or writing. There should be no danger or conflict involved with this watching; if you cross the road you look to see what is coming and you watch yourself looking, you do not stop looking at the traffic. If you get caught up in watching yourself so that you do not pay attention to the traffic then you are not doing Constancy properly, you are just distracting yourself. A golden rule : Constancy always involves more awareness, never less.
So when you begin Constancy, add this extra awareness to watch everything that is going on inside you. Do not be concerned if your watching lapses; it is very difficult to keep 100% attention 100% of the time, especially at the beginning. When you “wake up” and realise that your Constancy has slipped, just restart it without any fuss or recriminations. Keep coming back to it, as often as you have to. This can become very difficult sometimes but does get easier in the long-term.
The intention of doing Constancy is almost as important as the actual doing of it. It is the intention of Constancy that you take into unconsciousness. When you are about to sleep, be it napping or in bed at night, set up the intention to continue with Constancy even while you are asleep. The following are more notes which further stress the importance of feelings.
When I first practiced Constancy, I noticed the following :
all the events going on inside me are jumbled up together and they happen very fast. I talk to myself inside my head.
Then I practised Constancy for years . . . . . . . .
When I got into the stride of watching what was going on inside
I noticed these 7 aspects . . . . .
(1) . . . . I can make thoughts
For example, I can decide to think about an apple
it’s a green apple
if I close my eyes, I can visualise it.
(2) . . . . Thoughts happen spontaneously
Without intending it, I find myself thinking of a red apple
I can visualise it
but I did not “make” this thought
it was suddenly, just “there”.
(3) . . . .I can choose to remember
I decide to remember an apple I ate yesterday
I can visualise it
I can replay the act of eating it, “seeing” the action
or, I can tell myself, “I ate an apple yesterday”
(4) . . . . I remember without choosing
I remember , when I was 8 or 9
taking an apple from a neighbour’s tree
I can “see” myself doing it, and “see” my Dad
telling me off. Choosing to remember something
has triggered another memory, a memory which I did not choose.
then, I tried to create a feeling . . . .but I cannot do it !
I use memory to try and make a feeling.
I remember feeling sad about something last week;
although I can remember sadness, I no longer feel sad.
I remember something that happened at work yesterday
and I am angry again. But I have not “made” the anger, like
I made the thought about the green apple. the event at
work happened yesterday, but my anger is fresh. I am not
“re-feeling” yesterday’s anger. I am angry now!
(5) . . . feelings arrive
Feeling uncomfortable and not wanting to feel anger
anymore I decide to stop feeling – and cannot do it. I
cannot just switch off a feeling or bundle of feelings just
because I want to. I distract myself by watching television.
after a while, the feelings fade away.
(6) . . . . I daydream
Sitting in front of the television, I almost fall asleep,
I have a reverie, in which I get the better of people at
work, then somehow we are all playing football . . . .
(7) . . . . I dream
I go to bed and dream about a football the size of a house
I can’t kick it, so I go inside and eat some toast.
Seven aspects, or types of events that happen inside me.
in summary :
1 . . . . I make thoughts
2 . . . . thoughts happen spontaneously
3 . . . . I choose to remember
4 . . . . memories arrive without my choosing
5 . . . . feelings just arrive
6 . . . . I daydream
7 . . . . I dream
Sometimes, 2 or 3 happen at once (though thinking and dreaming together is unusual, thinking and daydreaming is not).
Sometimes they happen separately, sometimes they happen very fast, sometimes slow.
I noticed that I talk to myself, inside my head. The voice is “my” voice, I make it happen. This voice uses regular words and sentences. It is the voice that “reads”, I am aware of it as I read. This voice seems at first, to be part of number 1 above, “I make thoughts”, because I do not have a sense of the voice just happening, or just arriving, like a feeling arrives. But when I tried to stop talking to myself, I found it very hard to do. One thing was clear, the voice was a thought. I might “say” something that evokes a feeling, or a memory. But the voice itself is thought.
Don’t try and stop your internal voice! With Constancy, the effort is put into watching, not controlling, just watch the internal voice. It will get quiet eventually without you having to do anything. If you are feeling peaceful and your voice won’t shut up, don’t get angry with it. Try and be tolerant and just watch it along with anything else that is going, just watch what is happening . . . .
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